Monday, June 27, 2011

The 7 Rules of the Men's Room

Ok, so obviously I'm not a dude, but these made me crack up and I had to share with you:

Rule #1 - The Buffer Urinal
You never, ever, ever, select a urinal directly next to one already in use, not when there's a choice anyway. If there are three urinals to choose from, pick one on the outside. Leave the center one for the guy who may actually die if he doesn't get to the bathroom. If both outside ones are in use and only the center one is available, wait. One of the other guys will be done soon.
Rule #2 - Announce Your Presence
If you are using a stall and have the place to yourself, it's one thing. But as soon as you hear the door open, you need to make your presence known. Am I suggesting that you say 'hi' and introduce yourself? Absolutely not. No way. Instead, do a little cough.

Rule #3 - Ignore My Kid
This should go without saying. I shouldn't even need to put it here, but, inevitably, there is a guy every weekend who breaks this cardinal rule and feels the need to comment about the fact that my kid either a) really has to go or b) "made it."

Rule #4 - No Eye Contact, No Talking
Don't be the guy who walks into the bathroom and tries to strike up a conversation or says something like, "Whew, it smells like Big Foot's tomb in here!" Even if it were funny, the situation does not call for comedy. If there is, for some extreme reason, an occasion that necessitates inter-personal communication, eye contact is strictly prohibited. Stand, stock still, eyes forward like a Marine on inspection. When entering and exiting, keep your eyes down.

Rule #5 - Clean Up After Yourself
If you dribble on the seat, leave a mess of water and soap around the sink or miss the waste basket with an errant paper towel, pick it up. This isn't elementary school, this is a men's room. You're an adult.

Rule #6 - The Proper Stance
Whether in a stall or at a urinal, keep your stance narrow and your positioning square against the target. In the stall, a wide stance could lead to unexpected touching. It's important at the urinal too. No one wants to touch boots while you're doing that.

Rule #7 - Don't Linger
Those who linger here are waiting for something. What? A chance to mug someone? A new friend? A visit from aliens? When it comes to the men's room, do your thing and move on. The men's room is not the place to stop and smell the roses.

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